The lioness and the cub
Today I was re-reading a blog I wrote at the beginning of my burnout. And as a human being, I am designed to learn from experiences I have had that go from crisis to progression or advancement. But how can you look at this? How can you look at this and become aware of it? Well only if you re-read something you wrote down in the moment of crisis. Because then you see the progression and process of transformation before your eyes. And that's what I would like to share. Because this is a practical example which shows so beautifully how enriching life experience can be. And that this is something you can only get by seeing it in the magic of time.
Somewhere in the middle of 2021...
"How you can have an outside and an inside that are so different from each other yet belong so together.
I have taught myself, through the backpack of experiences I carry with me a pattern in which I use the lioness and the cub to be myself. The cub emerges when I feel safe and secure. Being allowed to be who I am, in all my strengths, but also my weaknesses, and when I am seen in them. The crazy thing is, I notice that I also need this a lot. The feeling of 'being allowed to be here'. Being worthwhile for others.
How bizarre it is that my outside is sometimes so very different from what I feel and show inside. When I am touched, I can be so fierce and vehement that it scares others and damages them. For myself, this is then something I do from a kind of self-protection mechanism, automatically. I can't control it, it just comes out. Like a jack-in-the-box. The lioness showing a pair of teeth and a claw with sharp nails. The fire that then comes out of my eyes can even be threatening to the other person. People crawl into their shells, approaching me cautiously while at the time I only feel that I am angry, or don't feel seen and therefore touched on a vulnerable part that I don't want to show and that shouldn't be there. Something I do myself.
The other person can actually do quite nothing about it, I do it myself. And I know it too. But how on earth do I get out of that? What can I do to dare to show more of myself, also the vulnerable side of myself, without being tempted to let the fierce side, the lioness in me, play a role other than lying quietly under a tree, resting in the sunshine, paws crossed, being loved by the cub that feels safe and secure even then? It can also be like that. But how do I find my way there? What do I need to get through this? Who can help me with this?
The shell around me is so thick. So few people see the beautiful, vulnerable side I also have, because I really don't show it very easily either. The quiet, loving, gentle side. The side that I cherish. Which I was also able to show for a while, but which I have now tucked away deep down again. Because I am afraid. Because fighting is the only way that has gotten me something so far when things didn't go well. Fighting and, above all, fleeing to really face it. It's much more complicated than it seems. And it's really not that I don't want it. I want it so desperately. But I can't manage to break through it. I need help with that. And I have asked for that, but then I just simply fail in the medical circuit. I need other forms of counselling that suit me.
When I look at my BodyGraph within Human Design and my profile, the 5/1 (heretic/investigator), this is the ferocity of the projection field I have to deal with. People see what they want to see. And as much as I would like to, I cannot change that, because it is what I have in my genetic design. The channels I have in my chart (BodyGraph) translate exactly my behaviour in it. The powerhouse, the explosion of emotions that I can trigger and the fact that for me the gate of crisis connected to the gate of change are actually the way I do what I need to do and therefore what very much suits me. This is how I am, and why should I want to change that. To fit into the system? To become the way people want me to be? Or instead to be seen and appreciated for this expression and the passion it brings too. To actually want to go through this and do what I am here to do and thus do work that gives me satisfaction and in which the projection field actually helps me to do what I need to do? So what is the real answer to my question?
I think I do know. But knowing is not enough. Knowing has always been my escape. My mind telling me what to do. Knowing is not the answer. I need to feel it. But I need time to feel it too and the courage to do it. To have faith in what the universe has in store for me. Holding on to the value I have as a human being. And not the value I should have as a human being. But to be myself. The lioness and the cub. That is my design. M That is who I am. I am a lion, the lioness and the cub. And I do it alone. I will not be told what to do. And who I should be. I know what I can do, I just don't feel it yet. And I am working very hard on that. Feeling that I am allowed to be who I am and in that I do what I need to do to provide for my family and take rest when I need rest. I let life come to me, respond to signals I receive from outside and trust the universe. I am. I am. I am. I am".
I have found myself again. By being myself. By having the courage to begin the inner journey and welcoming the experiment of following my Strategy and Inner Authority into my life. The ability to be my own Authority and no longer cede it to conditioning and my Mind. But to follow life what comes to me, what I attract and what gives me satisfaction. Something I am grateful for every day. It gives me peace of mind in these turbulent and uncertain times. Because I have a navigation system that is reliable. How wonderful it is to be the observer of your own life. In which you don't have to be in control, but only have to trust. On yourself. And the best thing is, we all have that navigation system! You just have to know how to find it.