Just because you can doesn't mean you should

Although I have the energy to do a lot of #work and can actually do it, I don't have to actually do it. Since I started my experiment to live as myself, I am deconditioning in that. In the stretch of working really hard and constantly feeling the pressure to be busy, make myself useful and mean something, I am my own worst enemy. Or rather, part of me is my enemy. For my body thinks I am really becoming a champion in deconditioning. But my mind...my head...it thinks radically different. And argues with me about it daily. "Shouldn't you do this? Or shouldn't you do that? Or shouldn't you do such and such? Or shouldn't you do like this? Look at that one and that one, they do that too, so you should try that as well!"

It may be a little #taboo to admit that you are chattering to yourself. That you hear little voices telling you all kinds of things. Giving you instructions and all kinds of so-called wise lessons that you should just listen to. Quite a bit #crazy, because a sensible and mature person like me doesn't have little voices in her mind, does she? No, Marieke, then you really should get yourself checked up. Then you are not doing well...

Well, I am going to say something about that. It is going WAY right with me. I listen to that little voice or those little voices. They whine all day long and I let them whine. Because as long as my body doesn't feel the energy or the urge to respond to something, they are little voices trying to trick me and push me back into my old pattern. And that's exactly something I don't want. 

The #voices have always been there. The difference is that now I don't listen to them. I look at them, let them be there and I don't get involved with them at all. I also occasionally find that they are really quite laughable those little voices. My mind has quite a sense of humor actually. But my mind does have its own place in my life. 

I no longer use my mind and the voice of my head as an authority that makes decisions about what is good for me and for my life. For that, I use the signals my body gives me. Whether something is my taste or not, whether I am drawn to it or moved away from it, whether I get an inner YES or NO to it. And even then, I wait a while to feel if it's the same tomorrow and the day after tomorrow as it is today.

What I do use my mind well for is to use it as an instrument for other people. And how that works, I've incorporated into a presentation. That #presentation shows how I work and what I can do and it also shows that I am not as crazy as I may have made myself out to be. A woman with little voices in her mind. But cute little voices!