Dancing in the mirror

The girls' dance performance. We always went together. Hip hop. A style of music that wasn't exactly comfortable for a metalhead like you. But what did it matter. The pride you felt when the girls did their 'Yo Yo Yo' on stage made you take it for granted. Pure love for your child. That's what it is. Giving them space to develop their own taste. Or just because it gives you something to channel your energy into for a while. You always loved it. Could enjoy it. Today is the dance performance. But this time I sit alone in the hall. Watching your beautiful daughters. Who will finish primary school next week and go to secondary school. How well they are doing.


Yesterday they had a sleepover. 1 boy and 7 girls. What fun. I think you would have said: "That guy has got a good look at them, what a boss". Yes Viking, your daughters are growing up. One of the mothers said to me: "What happy girls they are. I always see them smiling". That is indeed true. But sometimes they don't. Then the memories of you, of your warm loving smile or the things you said, of everything they went through with you, come a little more strongly than usual. Then we cry together for a while. Just because it's really nice. Crying is a way of giving your body space to flow. To let everything go for a while. With us, in our women's circle at home, this is very normal. We always have space for it. To be able to show emotions is a gift. It feels good to be able to laugh really hard once in a while, or to cry. Sometimes you can just come home and be upset about something you have just experienced that feels totally unfair. That you can and are allowed to be unashamedly angry. That you are allowed to express that.


People are emotional beings. Even if it doesn't always show on the outside. I am glad that with my daughters and me it happens very naturally. That we can deal with loss in the same way. They are there every day. Everywhere. In our thoughts, in our decisions, in everything we do, you travel with us. In our hearts and our feelings. Your spirit is watching. Like this afternoon. At the dance performance in the Spiegel theatre in Zwolle. In their baggy style, moving with a bounce, dancing for the sake of dancing, challenging each other and showing themselves to the beat of the music. Nothing is more emotional than music and moving to music. And whether it's hip hop or metal, it doesn't matter. These are your genes, Viking...


I'm not sitting there alone. I'm sitting there with you. On my shoulders. Looking together at the two that we brought into the world together. Two unique, authentic beings. Mirrors and reflections of our souls.


Dancing in the mirror.