The Veil of Ignorance

I feel ignorant. Uncertain and far from who I am. I am searching. When I am asked how I am doing I don't really know what to say. In the moment it is: it goes. I find it complicated to feel. I don't really know what feeling really is. It comes and it goes. I would like to learn to feel. Because then perhaps I can express myself better. There is so much going on in my head right now, that I don't know what is true anymore. My body gives me signals but I cannot read them. Right now I have a headache. I am and always will be tired. My neck has been stiff as a board and sore for a long time. My muscles are sore for two or three days with the slightest effort and my back also plays up regularly. My Throat is tense and my lungs are sensitive.

But what do I actually FEEL? Is it sadness? Then I would have to cry to be able to let go of it. But I cannot cry. Is it a kind of oppression, an oppressive feeling? Is it flatness? Do I feel resigned? Or relieved? Guilty? Or not at all? How do you feel? How can you feel? What is that? And how do I describe it? I feel quite often a feeling of tension in my heart area. It feels kind of nervous. I also feel fear. Afraid of the future. I dare not trust myself. I feel easily agitated. I have a short fuse. Music can make me feel melancholic. But also an angered feeling. An irate feeling. If it's music that irritates me. I often get goosebumps. In fact, I hardly laugh at all. When my daughters hug me I feel warmth, love, an intense feeling of loving. Motherly love. But I can also let them go. In the sense that I also find it so blissful to be alone. To immerse myself in Human Design. To immerse myself in myself. To make a start. Human Design as a tool for self-examination. Research into who I am. Who I want to be. A feeling human being.

I like to work with images. The picture with this story does show what I mean with the title. The veil of ignorance. Only my eye sees. Mouth, nose and ear are hidden. And over my head the veil of ignorance. I see through things and have a hard time expressing myself. Expression is a form that suits me. I am an expressive person. Emotionally charged. I say what I think. My mouth, nose and ears are now shielded. A sign of not allowing expression. The protective mechanism. If I can't (or shouldn't) express myself it beats inside. I want to learn to feel. I have been conditioned somewhere in my life that feeling is not safe or convenient. And then expressing it certainly isn't. It is an instinctive reaction. It fits my design. The trick is to do something with this so that I no longer have to react instinctively in fight, flight or freeze. I want to live again from my source. From softness. From purity. From love. For myself.